Welcome to McDonald’s, May I Take Your Problem Please?
The new AI bots are doing their job a little too well…
“It should have never happened is the problem!”
McDonald’s CFO Gary McDonald (no realtion) is slamming his thick hairy arms on a brand new Samsung SmartDesk. The table’s screen is displaying all kinds of fancy graphs which represent lost time and money in various easy-to-understand ways. Steep graph lines, in branded colours, running in every bad direction possible. Except for one: customer satisfaction.
The company’s new drive-thru machine roll out is responsible for all of it.
These new automated drive-thrus are the CFO’s pivitol project for the last 4 quarters. The project is crumbling in front of him. His bald head drips pressure-filled droplets, as he sweats through a distaster he was paid millions of dollars to foresee.
The SmartTable shows drive thru wait times have increased by over 1000% and the average order size has decreased to a mere $1.50 an order in a matter of weeks. Although, a ground-breaking 98.7% of customers are reporting satisfaction with their experience. Corresponding directly to stores featuring the new AI-powered customer service interface.
We are in hour three of an emergency meeting.
CFO Gary is on the phone with Steve Techninski, senior product developer at A.I. company, Intelligentopia. Intelligentopia’s billion dollar contract promising empathetic AI customer service machines was proving to be money poorly spent for McDonalds. A voice comes over the speakers in the conference room:
“We understand your frustration Gary. As we discussed in the initial consultation - our drive-thru robots were designed to be incredibly empathetic and easy to talk to. Of course, the customer satisfaction rate is reflective of our robots abilities to recognize and bring out positive emotions among everyone it interacts with. As you know, they were originally designed as therapy robots. It’s a sophisticated A.I. - more sophisticated than we even realized. We thought using this technology as a prototype for the drive-thru customer service robots would be a natural progression, but we underestimated the empathy calibration. So as I was saying this whole time, we need to roll out a patch over the next week. It will all be fixed. I just have a couple of questions to run by with your team to make sure we can dial back the empathy to a place you’re more comfortable with.”
“Okay Steve. I hear you. But as I’ve told you, we aren’t in the business of giving free therapy to people. We’re in the business of selling the highest quality food products for the least amount of money possible. We can’t be people’s therapy anymore...” Gary was still holding his bristly shoulders to his ears, but he finally sat down in his chair, “Go ahead with your questions.”
“So it seems the problem is when the robot asks, ‘how are you doing today?’ the customers who say ‘not well’ are then asked a series of follow up questions by the robot. And for a lot of people - these conversations last hours. It seems this is the first time someone, or something, has actually listened to what your customers have to say. At least in a true, connected, authentic way. The robots didn’t just ask about your food, or the service, but about them. Their lives. Their hopes and dreams, and their problems. And I’m sorry to say, a lot of your customers aren’t living very happy lives. And as per your request, our robots are programmed to not complete the order until the customer is fully nourished - hunger-wise, emotion-wise and satisfaction-wise. It just takes a very long time with the robot to get your customers there.”
“I understand that. I understand all that. Of course we have sad customers - our food is specifically designed for them. And I think it’s our mistake for trying to emotionally satisfy the customers to the degree were doing it. An overstep I’d say. We want top notch customer service, but I suppose we can’t accept much more than a transactional relationship. It’s great we’re helping people, but honestly our business model is built on doing that by selling cheaply made deliciously-tasting and highly-processed foods. The robots need to be putting orders through. We don’t have a business if we’re spending a billion dollars on something that has no fiscal return.”
“Okay. Yes Gary. I hear you 100%. So what would you prefer the robots to say when a customer indicated they’re not doing well?”
“I don’t know something like, ‘sorry to hear that, can I take your order?”
“Alright Gary, I think we can do that. Now our robots are also calibrated to notice tones in the human voice which indicate grief, and sadness, and loss. And understandably, a lot of your customers are experiencing these emotions. I just want to be clear we should override this capability?”
“Yes… I mean maybe we can offer to throw in a free McNugget or something?”
“Great… Gary thanks. Just typing the code as we speak. If sad, then, free McNugget, if grief, free McNugget, if loss, free McNugget…. Anything else?”
“Add McNuggets for anger and distress too if you can.”
“We got you Gary.”
“Okay. Thanks Steve. I’m having a thought now... I don’t want these robots to be... entirely robotic. Are they still going to ask about how people’s days are going?”
“Yes, but we’ve added a line of code to make the response more in-line with our indifference algorithm than our empathy algorithm.”
“Okay good. That will be closer to how it used to be when we used humans.”
“Now Gary, the robots do have memory profiles of regular customers who pass through, and it looks like many customers are returning because the robot recognizes them and checks in with them about problems they were facing. Do you still want any element of this?”
“Honestly, if they could just remember the customer’s name and what they typically order, that would be good enough.”
“Alright, just to be clear, you don’t want the robots asking any questions like ‘how’s the family’, ‘is your dog doing okay’, etc.”
“Yes get rid of those. I think it’s a slippery slope. Let’s just try to stay out of people’s lives. They take up too much time.”
“Of course. Of course. Okay. Well all those patches are in place. Let’s test one store tomorrow and then roll it out and see if the problem is still there. Sound good Gary?”
“Yupp thanks Steve.”
“No problem.”
---
A day later, at a McDonald’s drive-thru, we see Craig Sadman pulling in for his morning Egg McMuffin and pep talk. He was anticipating a large line, he was always happy to wait in - he had some therapy to do, and he appreciated that McDonald’s was finally taking a vested interest in his life. It seemed like they really wanted to help.
When Craig arrived he saw only one or two cars parked out front, and two wide open sets of yellow lines, car-free, leading right to the drive thru talkbox.
Wondering if the store was closed, he approaches the drivethru talkbox, with caution. The face-recognition software pulls up Craig’s customer profile and starts to speak:
“Welcome to McDonalds Craig, how are you doing today?”
Craig starts the dump, “honestly McDonabot, not well, I got in a big fight with Kyle last night.”
“That’s too bad. Sorry to hear that. Can I take your order please? Would you like you’re regular order of: Egg McMuffin Extra Value Meal with extra hashbrown.”
Craig freezes in his car for a second. Last time he had a disagreement with his son, the McDonabot talked to him for over an hour about CBT and coping strategies before asking for his order. Craig left with his Egg McMuffin and also the belief that he and his son we’re different people. If he truly loved Kyle, he could learn to respect Kyle’s decisions. Craig could always focus on the things he could control, while still communicating his own needs, setting firm boundaries, and being optimistic about potential outcomes. He went home with salty food and a newfound feeling of hope.
The robot’s time sensor was activated as Craig sat stunned.
McDonabot beeped out, “Hey Craig. You still there? Would you like your regular order of Egg McMuffic extra value meal and, one, extra hashbrown?”
“Uhh… yah sure the regular.” Craig still freezing in shock and loss. “And then also a small green tea for my son, Kyle. Who… maybe you didn’t hear me… I got in a bad fight with last night?”
“Im sorry to hear that Craig. I’ve added a free McNugget to your order. Please approach the payment window.”
Craig’s feet and hands stiffen even tighter. His foot refuses to lift off the brake. Craig’s brain couldn’t move so the car couldn’t either. He needs answers. He waits for a minute, and McDonabot, recognizing there’s still weight on the car sensor, chimes in again:
“Please approach the payment window Craig.”
“Did I do something to offend you McDonabot, usually you have, I dunno, more to say?”
“No Craig. Not at all! We love you here. Thank you for your order. Please approach the window.”
Craig’s confusion thaws for a second, and he slowly put his foot on the gas pedal to pull forward to the payment window, part of him believes someone will be there to listen, but it’s just a P.O.S. machine, where McDonabot thanks him for paying.
“McDonabot? What should I do with Kyle?”
“We love you Craig. It will all be okay. Please proceed to the food distribution window.”
Craig does. And his brown bag of low-cost high-value food slides out on a cold conveyor belt. Free McNugget and all.
The McDonabot speaker airs out one final, “Thanks for coming, Craig. See you next time.”
Craig pulls out and starts his drive home, nibbling his free nugget (even though it’s breakfast time ,and he isn’t sure what the point of this nugget is). His confusion is boiling into anxiety with every turn of his steering wheel. He shifts from one butt cheek to the other, not able to find centre or sense of peace like he did last week. His car seat feels lumpy. Why can he no longer get the help he’s looking for? And he wondered what the hell he is going to tell his son.
He’s having a real hard time with Kyle moving away. He didn’t want his son to move across the country. He would miss him. Remembering the advice of the pre-update McDonabot, he recognizes the sadness he’s feeling and takes a deep breath.
Craig recognizes these feelings of sadness stem from Craig’s love of his close family unit. And a fear that life my feel different and empty without his son nearby. McDonabot always knew what to say to him so he could go home with confidence. Recognizing that projections into the future were always hypothetical, and the truest information could be mined from the moment. He didn’t have that anymore. Craig combed through his brain for that something he could control - but it was dead end after dead end. Craig pulled a u-turn.
In the five minutes Craig was gone, a giant mob of sad people has formed around McDonalds. The mob forms a desperate yell to McDonabot that they need help and a free McNugget isn’t enough.
“McDonabot! You saved my marriage, and now you won’t even speak to me!”
“McDonabot! I don’t know what to do without you!”
“McDonabot! I love you! I need you!”
But McDonabot keeps responding, “I’m sorry to hear that. Please process to the payment window.”
At the food distribution window, free nugget after free nugget is pouring out the window. No one there to pick them up. They were piling on the hot pavement below.
No one wanted McNuggets - they wanted someone to talk to.
Craig knew he wasn’t going to get the answers he was looking for so he headed home. Kyle ended up moving across the country, before Craig had the confidence and guidance to tell his son how he really felt.
---
It’s now been a week since the crash and burn of a test flight. We see CFO Gary, hairy thick shoulders to his ears again on a call with Steve from Intelligentopia.
“This is even worse! No orders are going through at all because these crazy people keep yelling at the robot.”
“Our robots are designed very well - it’s true, it’s high-quality therapeutic support, people soon start to become desperate without it. Now that people have had a taste of the support, it seems we need to find some sort of alternative or the mobs will continue.”
“I’ve called in a PR team to help sort this out - we need to figure out a communication plan. Joni Comms are you there?”
“Yupp here Gary - happy to be helping with this. Perhaps the folks at Intelligentopia could figure out a way to still support the mental health of McDonald’s customers, it’s clear they need it very much. We’ve looked over the problem presented here and it seems we need to find a way to appease your customers mental health needs, while still ensuring orders are going through. Our main objective would be to convert the 2 drive-thru lanes at each restaurant. One for ‘food and service’ and one for ‘food and wellness.’ Of course, the therapy line would come with a premium $20.00 flat fee so we could make sure you still meet your bottom line.”
“Can we make this happen Steve?” Gary asks.
“Hey Joni, Steve from Intelligentopia here, I think it’s definitely possible to have one non-empathetic food spewing robot and one that is more empathetic, but Gary, this may look strange to your customers who have now come to expect a certain level of free customer care from the robots, how are we going to make that $20.00 fee seem like we still care about them and not just bottom lines?”
Joni chimes in, “If I can chime in here. Steve, according to our research, $20 for mental health support is ranked a 4 out of 5 by 85% of survey participants. Plus, it delivers on McDonald’s promise to provide the most value possible for the least amount of money. Before, people just used McDonald’s as a way of coping with all their problems. They could eat them away. But now, we’ve built in that true real empathetic experience we’ve discovered clients are actually looking for and created a brand new revenue stream. I think our messaging needs to be clear, ‘McDonald’s provides the food and the care you need to make it through life’s toughest times. We’ve started creating the ‘I’m loving it. And myself.’ campaign which will brand McDonalds as the leader of low-cost, high-value, mental health support.’”
“Steve, I like where Joni is coming from on this. We are running a business after all.”
Soon after this meeting, the marketing team will put together some new extra value meals which including one-hour phone sessions with the drive-thru robots as well as a sandwich, fries, and a choice of drink (phone sessions will take place after people had moved through the line). There would also be some new value picks like 10-min pep talks and personalized affirmative mantras printed on Big Mac, McChicken, and Filet-o-Fish boxes.
In the future, people found when they had to pay for mental health support from a robot, they were far less likely to do it. Something about paying for it and not getting it “just cause someone cared” felt disingenuous. The customers once again didn’t feel like McDonald’s actually cared about their well-being, and the satisfaction rate dropped closer to a 75%. It was within McDonalds targets, so they were cool with it. But perhaps the C-suite executives at McDonalds was most cool with the bonuses that came along with the new revenue stream and 5% increase in profits.
Most people ended up back to the food-only option. But some people like Craig, did like some advice on the side of their daily breakfast. Him and Kyle are still working it out.
Gary, Steve and Joni went to sleep just fine every night. They all had company benefits who payed for a real-life human therapist they can talk to anytime. And all the free McNuggets in the world.