Waiting for my Higher Self

Gurus and Gadot be damned. Where are things when you need them now?

Me again. I’m by the willow tree. I was told by my higher self that he would meet me here.

I’m alone. Just standing still in the open field like this big dumb plant. We’re the only structures within eyeshot. I’ve been waiting here since morning. Cause my higher self didn't give me a time. He just said be here. I imagine what my higher self would say to me. Something like, “hang in there kid, I’m almost there.” But it’s been a day that feels like years, and he still isn't here. 

I imagine what my higher self might feel like. They’d probably be proud of me for constantly looking and for patiently waiting. I feel the pride. Almost like it’s my own. 

As I was waiting. Dorothy, that protagonist from The Wizard of Oz, she stopped by and asked, "what character would you be in my story?"

I said, “the Tin Man probably.” 

"That's already a character,” she replied. “Who would you be?" 

"I know what I said."

She smiled. And real condescendingly she asked, “which one would your higher self be?”

“Oz! Of course! He's the king!” I said. 

"He's actually a fraud." retorted Dorothy. 

I then thought, “wait, no. The Wicked Witch but like from the musical Wicked!!”

But before I could get my words out, Dorothy had clicked her glass slippers and went back to the home she came from.

“Damn,” I thought aloud, “I bet my higher self would’ve got that one right.”

Not long after Dorothy left, Vladimir and Estragon from Waiting for Gadot came by. I asked them, “have you found your higher selves?” They answered together, “We are fictional. The only higher self is the one at the end of the play.” 

"Hmm…" I said, "I never read it." My higher self probably read it. He read everything. But I don't think the Gadot guys heard me. They tapped their glass slippers and went back to the place they came from. It’s been an hour that’s felt like weeks. I drove a long way to get here. It’s weird. My higher self left a note on my door yesterday saying to meet him here today. Today. By the willow tree. The note said tomorrow, but tomorrow’s today. The note noted no  specific time. Just tomorrow. It was yesterday then. Now it's today. And a higher self is nowhere in sight. 

It’s not the first time it’s happened. When Today comes I have nothing to do but wait. So I make a day of it. I feel like my higher self would have better things to do. But then again, he said he'd be here.

When my higher self left the note, he rang the doorbell too. Why didn’t I just get up to answer it? He was already there. 

I got here first thing in the morning. It’s getting dark now. And my higher self is nowhere. 

I thought I’d check around the base of the willow. Maybe he was sleeping with the other delusions. But he wasn’t. I just found my former self - who was just a couple crumpled photos lumped in with the dead leaves. 

It’s dark now. But I see a light. Maybe that’s him? 

“Hello there. I’m the ghost of Christmas future.”

"Shit.” I said very loud in my head. 

The ghost of Christmas Future must have heard me and said, “Don’t worry. Your higher self sent me. We were just hanging out.” 

“I thought you only hung out with people like me? You know, the ones in need of revelation. Did he have anything to say for himself?” 

“He wanted me to say something came up last minute - higher callings. But he wanted me to show you this.” 

The ghost conjured up a glass of dirty water and handed it to me, spilling over the brim as his arm stretched toward me. 

“What am I supposed to do with this?” I asked.

The ghost just walked over to the tree and started napping. I knew he was dreaming because he was saying aloud, “''I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.”

But he woke up back in Kansas with Dorothy and the Godot guys around him and realized me, my higher self, the water and the tree were all just a very strange dream. 

But I was still there by the tree. It was really real for me. Holding the dirty water. I tried a sip. It tasted really bad. Like dirty water should.

I tried to see myself in the reflection. But it was really dark. The water and the sky. I kept holding the full cup. It was getting really heavy so I thought I might need it. 

Midnight struck. I decided to go back to my car. My higher self sent the ghost. He wasn't coming. I still waited another hour while the ghost dreamed. Because who knows? Maybe I knew something he didn't. But of course I didn't. When I got in my car, I put the cup in the cupholder, and turned on the ignition, I realized I came with an empty tank and still needed to get gas. I was running really low. I flipped down the visor mirror to see if I was still here. I was. But there was a note on the mirror:
 

Filled it up for you. Sorry I couldn’t make it. I’ll see you tomorrow. Same place. Same time. 
-YHS

And I looked at the gas gauge. It was pushed past the F. And in that moment, I tried to imagine what my higher self would have felt today waiting around for noone to show. I realized they would’ve felt mostly the same way I did. Would my higher self try again tomorrow? Probably. So I decided I would too. 

I walked back to the tree the next day (it's what my higher self would do), I saw myself hanging out under the willow tree. I was taking a nap with the Ghost of Christmas Future. I was wearing the same clothes I was wearing right now. I saw my car and decided to check the gas. It was empty. Of course it was. I always forget to fill it up. 

I still had the cup the ghost gave me yesterday. Something told me to pour it in the gas tank. So I did. 

I left a note on the sun visor:

Filled it up for you. Sorry I couldn’t make it. I’ll see you tomorrow. Same place. Same time. 
- YHS

I dont know why i signed it that way. I guess I thought if I wrote it it could be true. But even if it wasn't. It was to me. 

I drove away and decided that today I wouldn’t wait anymore. That guy with the ghost has it covered. I imagined how myself would feel when he woke up and realized our higher self wasn’t coming. Again. He’d probably slowly stare at some old crumpled photos and sip some of that gasoline swill from the future ghost. They would feel disappointed looking at those photos and drinking that dirt but it would go away when he realized there was something in the tank - even if it wasn't gas. And I realized the way I was imagining feeling was the way I actually felt right now. Cause it was myself after all. And I know how I feel.

That relief of something in the tank. It's exactly how I felt yesterday, and it's exactly how I feel now, and it's probably how my higher self felt when he left me the note. 

Maybe tomorrow no one will wait by the tree. Dorothy and the Godot Guys, and the Ghost of Christmas Future will just walk by. Perhaps we’ll all have something better to do.

A higher calling.